We find out in a few days whether this 4th and final baby of ours is a boy or girl. I keep trying not to think about it because if I think about it, I’ll start getting anxious and wondering and hoping. Luckily we have a busy weekend with hosting our daughter’s 1st birthday party and all the prep that goes into that. It’s also my first time ever doing a themed party–a ballerina theme. I couldn’t resist.
The thing about wondering and hoping is that it just makes me feel really terrible mommy guilt.
If you’ve experienced gender disappointment, you know what I’m talking about. OF COURSE you want a healthy baby, and OF COURSE you will love a boy or a girl exactly the same–with every ounce of your being.
But the truth is that you do hope for a certain gender. I know because I do. Again.
I love my boys more than I can even begin to describe, but all three times I’ve been pregnant and walked into that gender ultrasound, I’ve hoped for a girl.
When I was pregnant with our third baby, I had 100% convinced myself that it was a boy. I knew the odds were that it would be another boy, and instead of being disappointed, I embraced it fully! I named him, called him by his name for weeks, referred to him as a he–I had no doubt in my mind that I was going to be a mother of sons–and I was ok with it.
That moment in the ultrasound when they told me I was having a girl was the single most shocking moment of my life. I didn’t believe them. They actually brought another doctor in to confirm that it was, in fact, a little girl in there. And right after I delivered her, the first words out of my mouth were “Is it still a girl?”
So why not Team Green for us this time? We have both. Wouldn’t that surprise be the best surprise of our lives? Yes, it probably would be. And I have so much respect and admiration for those of you who don’t find out what you’re having!
But for me, I can’t do it. I have to know. I have to have a chance to get used to the idea of another boy–if it’s a boy. Yes, that’s right–I still hope for another girl. Bring on the mommy guilt!
See, I keep saying how we need another girl. So Brenna can have a sister. So we can even the score. So the girls can share a room. So we can buy a house with 3 bedrooms when we’re ready to buy. So they’ll each have a buddy close in age. And on and on.
I’ve actually been thinking that it is a girl this time. All the old wive’s tales say girl, and I know those things aren’t full-proof in the least but it’s still something to go on. This pregnancy has been pretty identical to my girl pregnancy.
This was all until last week in my appointment. Thankfully everything looked good and we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I asked what the rate was, and my doctor said it was in the 140’s. I know it’s just an old wive’s tail, but “they say” lower heart rates mean boy. I left that appointment thinking maybe it is a boy after all.
Que mommy guilt. What kind of mother am I if I’m going to be disappointed if I find out it’s a boy? All I want is a healthy baby–boy or girl. But we need a girl…Brenna needs a sister…we need to room share…
That’s when I decided to stop and pray, and that’s when I was hit with a very different perspective. It’s a different perspective on gender disappointment than I’ve had before, but it changed my view immediately.
God knows who this baby is, and He knows how perfectly this baby will complete our family.
He knows what our family needs, what the boys need, what Brenna needs…it’s this baby. It’s this little person who’s already starting to kick inside me. This baby–whether boy or girl–is exactly who God formed and made and chose for us…and us for him or her.
It’s really hard to feel disappointed in gender when you realize that God already decided since the beginning of time who this baby is–and He has a plan for this baby’s life. How humbling it is to realize the gift of getting to be this little one’s mom.
So for the next few days when anxiety tries to creep in, I need to tell myself simply that God already knows who this baby is. He’s always known. And I’m thankful for technology that makes it so I can know too, but that’s mostly because I’m not a patient person. 🙂
What about you?
Have you ever experienced gender disappointment and/or mommy guilt? Or are you one of those brave souls who can go the whole nine months without finding out???