I’m settled into nap time with at least two of my four children for sure not sleeping but at least they’re contained. And chances are they’ll eventually fall asleep because of the long morning we had at MOPS, so this is my window to write.
I think I’ve finally hit my wall of what I can and cannot handle. Having four kids under the age of five is proving to be a lot harder than I thought, at least during this newborn stage. Actually I think we might be through the newborn stage. My baby is almost 5 months old. Only he’s still sleeping like a newborn (waking up several times during the night) despite my best efforts, so this mama is not getting more than a few hours of sleep at a time for about 5 months now.
I’m very tired, but it’s more than that. Taking a nap or having an extra cup of coffee is not what I need (although I wouldn’t mind either!). I’ve reached the point when something has to give.
<insert tired and honest mom rant>
This is the hardest I’ve ever worked in my entire life, by a lot. It’s draining on so many levels to constantly be meeting every need these four little people have 24/7. Here’s a glimpse from earlier today:
My 22 month old screamed the whole way home from church, saying Mommy over and over again. That’s her new favorite word to accurately pronounce, and she practices about 1,000 times per day. Once we got home, I got the bags, the baby, and the crying toddler inside, washed the toddler’s hand, and then hear from the bathroom from my 3 year old, Mommy, my peepee’s coming out. And out it came, all over the bathroom floor. All while the toddler is almost making herself throw up because of how hard she’s crying (she wanted Elmo). I get her down for her nap, help my 3 year old change his clothes, clean the floor, fill the soap which apparently ran out and he was freaking out because he had nothing to wash his collection of popsicle sticks with (an absolute necessity before he would take a nap), picked up the baby who was tired of waiting on me to get him out of his infant seat, got my 4 year old set up with room time, hugged and kissed my 3 year old and his popsicle sticks (per his request), fed the baby, changed a diaper, wiped a poopy 3 year old’s bottom, put a load of laundry in (from the accident), and all of that was in the span of about 20 minutes.
Here’s the thing: this is a full-time job. It requires every bit of me right now, and that means I need to say no to other things, like this blog.
After my third baby joined us, I took a break from blogging but never stopped all together. And over the last couple of months, I started to focus more on it again.
I’ve really loved blogging and having an outlet for writing, sharing, creating, etc. This has been a fun space for me to feel like I’m not just a mom. I had a thing. It wasn’t about the money, but it felt so good to bring in the little that I’ve brought in through this blog. It has been affirming. It has been challenging and rewarding.
The hardest and best part of me hitting this wall is realizing that right now, I am just a mom.
I’m just a mom every second of the day, each and every day. And I choose to feel affirmed in that role, all by itself. I’m a stay-at-home-mom and I don’t bring in an income and I don’t have a platform and I don’t get raises or performance reviews, but at the end of the day I get to sit with my kids and read to them and pray with them and know that they got the very best of me that day.
That’s my affirmation right now. That has to be enough.
This is my chance to be just a mom, so I’m going to take it. For me, there isn’t enough left over for trying to grow a blog. Maybe that will change as my kids grow, but during this stage they need all of me. I’m still going to keep it all “live” because I love having all my recipes in one place electronically and all these posts are sort of like a scrapbook for me. Maybe there will come a point when I can get back at it. I hope so! I might still share new recipes. But that’s probably it for now.
Next up: getting my baby to sleep through the night, introducing solids, choosing our homeschool Kindergarten path, and paying a cleaning service to clean my home–because even that is more than I can handle right now!